/ot/ - Off-Topic

I feel stupid, I'm in my late 20s and feel like I'm drifting through life. I have a degree in a field that I don't even feel like I can use because I'm too autistic to actually keep on top of the job. I just fee like life is too complicated for me and like I've disappointed everyone in my life. If I wasn't religious and afraid of hell I'd have killed myself already.

I think yaoi pretty much saved my life, maybe not that dramatic but it helped tremendously when I was at my worst. Last year I had a horrible heartbreak that I haven't fully moved on from yet. It caused me a horrible depression, I wanted to hurt myself so badly and I had suicidal thoughts. However I started using yaoi as a way to distract myself and it helped me out so much. I started getting more invested in my ships, I started buying BL physically and actually getting into proper BL instead of just shipping stuff from my favourite anime and manga, I started actually talking to fujos on Discord and having more fun with women online… I was always a fujo but last year and this year really reinforced it even more. Also /ex/ content was a life saviour, it helped me vent out so many frustrations just by seeing illustrations of cute boys with their intestines out. Drawing /ex/ content was even more efficient and now drawing my OCs cutting themselves or with their body chopped up is one of my favourite things. I have thought of making a drawthread on /ex/ because of that but I'm still unsure on what to start with lol
I will continue using fictional men to fully heal and even after that I won't stop being a fujo, much thanks to everyone who is a fujo!

I keep procrastinating at my job and getting away with it but feel really guilty

I need to study for this very important test i'll take later this year but i can't stop thinking about gay incest sex between two old men. i'm going to kill myself why am i like this

When I was younger I had a argument with this guy and I jokingly threatened that I would draw gay porn of him (I don't know if I would have actually gone through with it) but he got his younger sister to beat me up, she just came towards me, kept slapping me until I started crying and weeping and she just spat on me, I didn't tell anyone because she threatened me after that and I was too embarrassed

>>6434
I would get stressed when studying for tests and assignments in college and masturbate a lot. The week before finals I was doing it multiple times a day. Not sure if it helped me stay calm or took away valuable studying time.

>>6444
Irredeemably based

Completed my masters and I successfully landed myself a 9-5, I wanna be happy but I'm honestly actually dreading it. I know I'm doing the adult thing and building my CV or career or whatever but getting out of bed at a time that isn't 11 and not being able to get plastered during the week is gonna kill me. I don't wanna be like a lot of the people I know who finished or dropped out of uni but then stayed in their uni city and worked part time jobs whilst maintaining the quirky borderline alcoholic student life style, I genuinely think it's loser behaviour. I need to get my head on straight and I know a 9-5 in a workplace where it'll likely be socially unacceptable to discuss omegaverse with your coworkers and tell rude customers to kill themselves will probably help me be more of an adult but dear lord. Also I've wanted to leave my uni city for the longest time but I'm so stumped on how the fuck to even get started with that, dear lord take me away from the student life style and make me normal but also allow me to stay up till 4am downing gin shots.

>>6446
I too would like to discuss omegaverse in the workplace but life is too harsh. Stay strong nonna and make sure to buy lots of yaoiz with your corperate money!

>>6448
Oh honey as soon as I get the 9-5 bucks I'm looking into treating myself with some acrylic figures, perhaps a nendoroid if it weren't for the fact I keep flirting with the idea of moving out somewhere without committing to it, I got one of my coworkers to watch no.6 and she told me she cried at the end :3

>>6446
>>6452
I hate working so much but what helps me cope is knowing I can now afford to travel, order takeout food and buy useless merchs, books and video games just like I want. What I dislike the most is the lack of free time though even though I have a lot of PTOs, I can't use them whenever I want because my manager wants us to plan things way too in advance or at the last minute, it's annoying at best and made me delay important appointments to the doctor to get surgery at worse.

>>6456
I hate work too and wish I could have a normal job for a normal life

>>6456
>>6459
Same same, when I get corporate money I definitely plan to hopefully travel more, go to more concerts and festivals and also get more gay anime merch, I'd get the physical editions of so no flag and shimanami tasogare and some more alien stage merch too… I'm already dreading corporate life and all it entails, I just wanna relax and enjoy the comfy life forever… But alas I can't get the things I want if I'm not a wageslave

3dpd warning i absolutely hate ishowspeed so it serves him right that he is getting sexually harassed and forcibly kissed by obsessed moid fans. not sure if its part of the act but i enjoy that he seems viscerally disgusted by it as well.

I'm in a small yet dedicated fandom of an indie project, I pretty much have been part of it since the start but I'm not at all the most well known artist in the community. Even then most old members know me and I've been in some fan projects on it, this is really why I won't say what it is cuz I fear someone could identify me. This is really a fanbase I'm not a fujo for, I enjoy the characters and story but I don't see fujo potential anywhere. The thing is, the fandom is super puritain, it makes sense because the thing they love is not really "problematic" (there's messed up stuff in it but it's violence and we all know the double standards on that) but it's taken to a extreme. People lose their shit when someone draws something problematic either for fun or to bait and people get exiled from it because of what they write or draw. Doesn't help that the creator of said indie project is a Mormon and calls some stuff people can make "genuinely evil".
Maybe it's on me for still being invested on it, I've met people and I've gotten followers because of it. Weirdest thing is that is a moid infested fandom so them being puritans is super bizarre. I'm into problematic things but I'm not interested in making that sorta stuff with said indie project. Even then, it makes me wonder what would happen if people in that community discovered what I'm into. I sometimes just wanna make a new account and draw anything I want there but I have fear of being spotted because of my art style. I really shouldn't have gotten so invested in just that one thing for so long, but oh well.

I wasted ALL day with scrolling and shitposting again.

I feel similar like >>6422 though I am in my 30s now and feel like it got even worse in the 30s. Everytime I attempted to change it got worse not better so I stepped back and avoided doing anything. Turns out that makes depression worse. Who could know. But I still don't know what to do. Forming friendships is hard because I feel like I have nothing to say so talking is work.

The only thing that keeps me alive is gay shit and my fantasies related to the guys I like + some daydreaming about original (of course totally epic) stories. At least I managed to draw a bit again after avoiding that too for a whole year, thanks to some new anime airing that got me interested in some dudes.

But I never know how long that will last. The 2D men I like always end up dying so I expect to get depressed again when that happens and I will see if I am emotional enough to be motivated to draw more. Trying to do it for now but like I said I wasted a whole day again. Maybe tomorrow. Hopefully.

>>6932
>feel like it got even worse in the 30s.
RELATABLE, right down to the EPIC stories (lol) and trying to draw again. After crawling out of the depression hole that was my 20s, I think having covid derail my 30s when I was finally starting to feel like my life was starting for real this time has broken something in me. I want to do so much but I just can't start. Let's doodle something tomorrow ヽ(￣ω￣(。。 )ゝ

>>6914
>creator of said indie project is a Mormon and calls some stuff people can make "genuinely evil"
Dying to know what this is lol

>>6933
>After crawling out of the depression hole that was my 20s, I think having covid derail my 30s when I was finally starting to feel like my life was starting for real
I feel this so much. It wasn't covid but I had a few instances where I was finally getting better again just for some bad luck or bullying experiences to strike again and kill my hope. And it's always harder to stand up if you just fell again doing it.
I think we have to start slow. No big goals or projects. Right now I made a new twitter account because of this. My old one is for my "top tier" artworks and I have many followers (many for an autist like me) so it's too much pressure. With the new account I focus on another fandom rn and try to post sketches and simpler art. I think this could work!
>Let's doodle something tomorrow ヽ(￣ω￣(。。 )ゝ
YES! Godspeed nonna we will do it. Even if it's nothing special, just doing something.

I have a ship where one of them is part alien and I think it's giving me coomer gay furfag tier fantasies. It's just that the idea of the part alien one using his long giant alien tongue to please the human one is hot. Or him becoming bigger in all aspects because of it, kinda like a size difference fetish thing in this case.

>>6932
>>6934
sorry if this is unrelated, but ngl Ive come to realize I much prefer shitposting on social media rather than trying to build up an image and create art just for the sake of showcasing it to followers. I think its not my thing to be a content creator cause I get nervous every time I build up a following only to get decent reposts/likes on art but no interaction or comments on my posts about the series.. i dont want to be a drawslave i want to fool around and make shitty doodles while having fun damnit!

I'm constantly getting triggered. I've lost month of my life to stomach churning depression and fear. I try to clean up my socials the best I can, but when you mute a word on twitter, it still shows up if you browse someone's profile directly??? The TVs on constantly in my house with my grandparents watching the news and when I hear certain words my heart starts beating, the thoughts start repeating, I get scared, and suicidal. I think my best bet is to stay off social media for good, even though that would cut me off from so much art and fandom and good chats. It is what it is though. I need to stay out the house but it get so dark at 5:30 now and I live the suburbs with no where to really go to read or study or draw or relax. Just wanna get hit in the head with a brick at this point.

I hate my job so I'm doing less than the minimum. I can't be fired anyway, and if they let go of me I will stay home for a little while, relax and earn unemployment benefits, and maybe I'll also finally be able to look for a better job. It wouldn't have been an issue if we didn't move to another office that's a noisy as hell open space, if my coworkers weren't annoying and screaming on the phone all the time, if I could choose my days of work at home, and if I wasn't given more work than everyone else to compensate for the high turnover rate.

Another confession is that I'd rather post dumb shit on social media than talk to my friends. They're getting very annoying anf judgmental so it's for the best anyway.

>>6958
This is 100% what I experienced with my job. Never liked it but it got 500% worse after we moved and the new place was an open space office that is noisy as hell, I have to do everything alone and co-workers are always sick or pretend to be, everybody is rude as hell and I couldn't choose my home office days unlike everybody else. Because I did everything they couldn't fire me but I eventually did after the overseer (she never worked, all she did was observing if I WAS working) took my home office days away as payback for complaining about the things above. I observed that lots of others listened to music while working so I did that too to drown out the noise and THEN one coworker told the boss I was listening to youtube videos since she saw me with earphones wtf?

I quit instantly and left the office right then and there and never even bothered to show up anymore so my direct employer (actually a nice dude who knows that the company is a pile of shit but can't do anything about it) was forced to make an instant dismissal since I basically disappeared.

I swore to myself I would never be diligent anymore. Next time I will do the bare minimum and be like all the others. It's a sad state, but none of us should sacrifice our mental and physical health for shit like this. NEETing right now and it helped me a bit.
>I'd rather post dumb shit on social media than talk to my friends
Same. Nobody even shares my real hobbies so our dialogues are superficial shit anyway I rather have fun on FC or 4chan and post hot 2D men.

>>6953
If social media stresses you out but you still want to go online, maybe check out Dreamwidth or Neocities or Wordpress or something? There you can make a fandom shrine without all the toxicity. Please take care of yourself and take a break from the internet

>>6964
I do use all of those actually. I've had a dreamwidth for about 4 years at this point, and it's nice but it seems like such a hard place to be social even though I post to comm's hm. I mostly use it as a diary. I think maybe I just haven't tried hard enough to make friends hm. No more twitter. I guess I'll try to play on DW and read my manga…

Thank you ♥

>>6967
Sending love to you nonna, idk what fandom you're in, but I would like to be friends with you if our fates cross

>>6970
T_T ♥

>>6962
Sounds like someone specifically hated you. My case isn't as bad as yours, at least for now. Everyone seems to more or less get along until the manager works from home and then there are these two coworkers I found very annoying that try to gossip and insult others behind their backs for the way they work… even though these two people are the ones that are so noisy it's almost impossible to have phone calls or plan meetings with clients when they're around and it's impossible to focus at all. And they overwork themselves so much they sometimes work for free during the weekend or bank holidays, which gives us weird stats for the whole team, which means managers who don't know about it make us work more because "if they can do it everyone else can, I believe in you guys!" so right now I have 40% more work to do with the same deadlines than some recent hires in my small team and I had even more than literally everyone else for a year straight because of that and the turnover rates, which are high because everyone is overworked because of these tards. tldr; there's some tension now in the office and I want no part in it, I assume this will blow up at some point though.

Get the rest you need for now, I hope you'll find a much better job next.

>Nobody even shares my real hobbies so our dialogues are superficial shit anyway
I'm getting there with my friends right now. We're all nerds but even if you all like video games we don't always play the same ones. One of them has a the same tastes as mine with video games but never finishes them and still hates hearing "spoilers" 5 or 6 years later. Same for manga, we like BL but my friends almost only read webtoons and I don't. Everytime we talk about manga, anime or novels the conversations stops with "wait I'm not done yet so don't tell any spoilers!!" and that's that. Then outside of this they always talk about things I don't care about or don't want to hear about at all. Like trans rights. I'd rather shitpost and complain about dumb things on twitter or bluesky instead.