/ot/ - Off-Topic

My confession is that I'm not even into gay sex anymore really, I just enjoy watching men get brutalized in any manner, not necessarily sexually. I feel like I've lost my trujoshi card.

Fujoshi scorn me but I'm too BL aligned for discussing media with non fujoshi. Frankly I never called myself as one I just enjoy male relationships more.
I prefer hate over love.
I need high stakes plot to see characters thoughts and actions and see what they are ready to sacrifice for their obsession. That's why I couldn't bond with official BL media besides danmei genre.

I wish I was brave enough to go to conventions to try to talk and meet other fujos. I haven't been to one since I was a teenager and even though I know the feeling has likely changed a lot, it seems like fun. I'm really anxious and stopped using social media years ago due to all the retarded pro / anti stuff colliding with my OCD themes like crazy, so I don't really have an outlet to talk to people like that anymore. I do have a friend who's also a fujo, but some things we don't share interests in and it would be nice to find someone else also into them.

I look like an ancient fujoshi but in reality I picked up this taste in pandemic when I found myself obligated to be a neet and distract myself from reality. My only contact with yaoi was some sonic ship fanarts back in my DeviantArt phase around the 2010s then I just forgot about the internet until Corona period.
I just getting in touch with the classics and discovering others things of my liking.

>>15322
do you feel any sense of loss knowing you could've been there when fandoms were still fun but only came back after the enshittification of everything? i feel like i've been chasing that dragon of the internet of my youth for ages now.

>>15323
I'm a zoomer so I never experienced "peak" internet but I was vaguely in fandoms during 2013-2015 and I miss that atmosphere/environment. Everything during that time was hardly politicized (I assume you'd only find those types on Tumblr or if you were into stuff like Homestuck), people weren't tying your fictional tastes into moral values, you could ship incest and age gap and no one would really give a shit, yada yada yada. Now unless you subject yourself to only looking at fanart or hiding in gatekept Discord servers, every other post is a 24-page thinkpiece. Like people used to basically rickroll others by recc'ing Boku no Pico but if you did that now you'd get a bunch of people jumping you for spreading CSAM or some shit.

>>15323
Maybe it's the case for other fujos but I tend to avoid active fandom spaces like the pest since I started using internet, I've been like a lone wolf and never liked the drama around the anti discourse or the tumblrfication of fiction, also those were the things that cost me more braincells to understand at least the minimum for recognize if I got into a discussion that were straight stupid to give a shit about it.
I do feel the nostalgia and the yearn to participate but personally I prefer slow exchange and sharing a general hobby rather than a specific fandom just because all of the above reasons written. Maybe I'm too old or I got too normified during my offline years.

>>15323
I've always felt that about Black butler. The community must've been pretty comfy at some point in the past. Apparently the worst it got was Lizzie hate but I wouldn't have given a fuck.

>>15324
I'm a millennial (typing this with 34 year old hands) and 2013 was already the beginning of the end. race, disability, trans and sexuality headcanons took off on Tumblr along with kinning characters. instead of bitching at people for being problematic, the kinnies would send (anon) hate to fujos/other fans for portraying their "kin" in a way they didn't like. i would have 15 year old yowapeda or haikyuu fans in my inbox crying about me talking shit about them because I wrote fanfiction in a way they didn't like (didn't make their fave character fat, hairy and with a pussy). I left Tumblr in 2015 because it got so bad. imagine my horror when that shit slowly took over shitter too and now you can't go anywhere without moralfagging and gender bullshit. you can still find vestiges of old school fujodom in the RP scene on dreamwidth but unfortunately they still got infected with the troonwoke virus so a lot of them are they/thems and lose their shit over hp/jkr regularly.

>>15329
Yeah, 2012-3 was peak Homestuck and I remember seeing transbending take off there, and racebending, which only made sense in that fandom because the characters did not have canon skin tone but somehow spread everywhere else. The incest shippers did get hate, like always, but they could still chill in their own corner and those ships were very popular. I don't remember any handwringing over ages of characters and there was a ton of age gap shipping and pseudoincest with the Trolls but I do remember one Japanese fan artist getting dogpiled for posting explicit shota art from a popular AU.
>>15326
Feels sad when you see the old Youtube comments from that time.

>>15315
My confession is that I can't stop self-inserting like a yume except I only watch BL so I am dangerously close to becoming a TIF. If I just watch the two guys having a story and making out and having sex at some point it's like "oh wow good for them" but if I self insert as the one of them it's heaven and I orgasm very quickly and after I'm done. I feel terrible that I will never experience that because I'm not a guy. Can anyone here relate?
Rest assured I will kill myself before I ever become an "Aiden he/they fudanshi"

>>15329
You're better than me, I deleted my tumblr account in 2016. I wish I did this earlier like you.

>>15332
>which only made sense in that fandom because the characters did not have canon skin tone
Not really, it's a retcon. Back then I had several mutuals into Homestuck, this made me curious enough to start reading the webcomic which was boring, a waste of time and unlike what everyone said it gets a lot worse as soon as act 5 starts. I remember very well two things:
>at some point there's a reference like "fly for a white guy" that refers to Dave
>at some point one of the main characters with glasses, I don't remember which one, eats a weird magical candy and her behavior is getting weird. Instead of being depicted in black and white she looks all colorful and pastel or neon and says the phrase "I'M FEELING CAUCASIAN" which made all of tumblr lose their mind and harrass the guy who created Homestuck because this nonsensical edgy joke contradicted their headcanons of the character being Latina or Asian depending on who you asked back then. He was accused of racism left and right and changed the line to "I'M FEELING PEACHY" and apologized. My dashboard was a mess because of this one single panel for weeks.

>>15335
The striders are so obviously intended to be white guys it's hilarious seeing people claim they're black because of the rapping thing

>>15324
>Boku no Pico
I remember watching the whole trilogy with /hsg/ (Homestuck General) on livestream.com or something like that lol.
>>15329
It was wild how aggro every teenager on tumblr was. Even back when I was an angsty teen online I would never have done anything like that. What empowered them? Were they ALL just raised that way? Was it peer pressure? Was it RaceFail 09? It feels like I went to bed one night and when I woke up fandom was just Like This now. At least for the online rightoid propagation we can now look to the Epstein Files lmao

>>15334
I could relate until you felt terrible. It's a sexual fantasy, you don't want to actually live as a man. I think I've had more orgasms in my life imagining cumming inside a guy than actually thinking about having sex but that's not because I want to be a man. Sexual fantasies do not need to be lived experiences.

>>15334
I don't think you're tif. It also requires certain level of unconformity with your own self/body image in a way makes you feel the urge to change something or everything.
I think there's a lot of nonas that gets more interested into consuming bl or gay porn in general because there's no women being objectified thus not comparing yourself to someone else body.

>>15329
2013 really was the beginning of the end. Prior to that I could jump in on whatever IRC channel was posted in some 4chan thread and never felt in danger. I met a ton of incredible people through that and still keep in touch with a lot of my old 4chan friends to this day. I think I stopped using Tumblr around the same time you did. It's too bad Tumblr went the direction it did, their ilk migrating to Twitter and shitting it up did irreparable damage to the site and culture. The period of time when Pixiv users migrated there en masse and before Tumblr banned porn was probably its best era.

While I blame mobile phones directly for the downfall of the internet by lowering the entry barrier, it doesn't explain why a significant amount of people online are so hostile these days. I just want go online to have fun, not fight.

>>15411
Man, you just reminded me of when I got sick of tranny headcanons and fake fans of things I liked back then on tumblr. Including some of my mutuals. I made a twitter account for the first time in 2014, made the mistake of posting about it on tumblr, and all my most annoying mutuals decided to also make their own accounts just to follow me and each other. I eventually deleted my account because I tried a digital detox to focus more on studying in uni, which didn't even work and I eventually remade an account when I got mad I missed out on info about a Pokemon wifi distribution on 3DS games kek. That was around 2016, so I was very into Yuri on Ice and the mutuals that somehow found me again and followed me again got offended and blocked me en mass whenever I complained about TIFs trying to convince everyone that the scene where Viktor kissed Yuuri on the lips was just queerbaiting and just a hug.

>>15334
tbh I also do it and usually it's even the top not the bottom. But I wouldn't worry, I think it's more of a first-person perspective, like in games. Just combined with some sort of relation because let's be real, if you really obsess over two characters and love them you can relate to them to some degree, otherwise you wouldn't understand them and get all those ideas when you think up fanart motifs and fic plots for them.

And sex between two hot and relatable characters is of course arousing too, so a part of your brain always participates in some way, this doesn't mean that you're trans or even yume.

As for the trans issue I believe that it's mainly caused by sexism. Many women simply feel bad for being seen as sex objects by many men. Boomers in particular can hardly mention a fucking female politician and scientist without first clarifying how fuckable or ugly she is. It's not about comparison IMO but disgust. One of my main fears as a teenager wasn't to ugly but to be attractive, and not because I feared rape but because I feared objectification.

Plus, one of the advantages of gay sex is that the sex role depends on the personality, not the sexual organs.

>>15421
>I think it's more of a first-person perspective, like in games
Waiting for a VR game that lets me fuck a guy and ranks me on my ability. Even better if it has a leaderboard system.

>>15422
seconding and willing to fund it

I have crippling Trans OCD (explanation: I have intrusive thoughts telling me my constant numbness and depression can actually be cured by trooning out and by not doing so I'm dooming myself to being miserable forever). I spend so much mental bandwidth reminding myself that's retarded that it's taken over my life for around an entire third of my life. It makes me so miserable that I failed to make irl friends, fell behind in my studies, haven't reached most milestones a person my age is supposed to have, haven't committed myself to becoming skilled at a hobby or creative medium, haven't even had fun consuming media or finding things that bring me happiness. All for possibly one of the most laughable and pathetic reasons. I want to kill myself.

>>15462
Trooning out will only make it worse. Please seek professional help for your mental health, and if you do get a therapist, fire any of them who encourage you to transition to "fix" your depression. They do not have your best interest in mind. I hope you are able to get past this dark moment in your life, nona

>>15462
>It makes me so miserable that I failed to make irl friends, fell behind in my studies, haven't reached most milestones a person my age is supposed to have, haven't committed myself to becoming skilled at a hobby or creative medium, haven't even had fun consuming media or finding things that bring me happiness.
And trooning out is supposed to fix this how…?

>>15463
Thanks for the encouragement nona. My attempts to get help went poorly before but I plan to ask for a referral again during my doctor's appointment next month so I will try again

>>15464
Sometimes people are miserable and get better after trooning out. The demons tell me I might be one of those people

>>15465
>Sometimes people are miserable and get better after trooning out. The demons tell me I might be one of those people
Any joy that might arise from transitioning is short-lived, especially when a troon's gender is not affirmed. That and cross-sex hormones can have a lot of really nasty effects. It's not worth it.

>>15466
That's what I've told myself over and over and over and over again. Then I get a thought going "what if it actually works tho". So I tell myself that again and again and again. Forever and ever.

>>15467
If you've spent any time at all around troons you would know that they are never, ever happy and often become even more miserable after trooning out. You might genuinely be retarded if you think it could "actually work" (it never has).

>>15462
This nona >>15463 is right. Whatever problems you think you have will only be made worse by transitioning. You'll never be happy with yourself—your 'true self' will always be just one more surgery away. You have depression, nona. Don't treat it by ruining you life.

>>15468
I know I'm mentally ill and retarded. Self-awareness doesn't stop mental illness.

>>15468
This, I've seen so many tweets from troons who say "I don't need your affirmation to be happy" only for the replies to pull up recent tweets of the OP saying they hate their bodies and want to kill themselves. They will never be happy, they just convince themselves they are because of sunk cost fallacy.

>>15462
do you genuinely think trooning out will solve all of yours problems this is how you get 41% number.
It's like a fake utopia for some people.

>>15462
Do you believe you should troon out out of peer pressure, or because you actually experience some symptoms of gender dysphoria?
If it's OCD in regards to people saying "why are you a fujo, a WOMAN, liking BL when you should be MALE or TRANS or QUEER" you have to ignore that, it's not true.
But if you yourself have felt like some, idk, "my life is miserable as a girl maybe as a 'man' it'd be better" It wouldn't be. You'd still be you, just with a different coat of paint, more depressed because if you were to troon out, you already "failed" in what you failed to achieve.
I believe that you can achieve things though even as you are, trooning out isn't the answer

>>15473
>>15472
I feel like there's been a misunderstanding. It's not something I genuinely believe, it's intrusive thoughts. Like how people can get intrusive thoughts that go "Yeah you don't find children attractive in the slightest but what you're somehow a pedophile in denial deep down?" And it takes over their life and makes them miserable even though it makes no sense. I know it's irrational but it's hard to describe to someone who hasn't lived it. It was probably my mistake sperging about my mental health on fujochan of all places.

>>15474
LC will not be as kind either and if anything some of the hidden tifs will lovebomb on you to do or don't. Regardless, I understand what you are saying, and this is just an armchair POV, but it almost sounds like you may have some sort of OCD coupled with depression. I mentioned earlier for you to seek out help, and I truly do hope you are successful in getting out of that dark slump. Having to try again is not a failure. It means the previous time were not the right people to help you.

>>15462
The reading comprehension with the replies to this one is diabolical. You guys are completely illiterate. Nona i hope you don't listen to any of them, its literally said that she has OCD about transing, KEY WORD BEING OCD!!
​She doesn't want to transition!!!! TOCD is an actual condition where intrusive thoughts loop and your brain repeatedly forces unwanted "what if" scenarios onto you that cause intense anxiety, meaning when she thinks about it SHE IS STRESSED AND HATES IT!! Like she doesn't feel happy or joy about it. Its no different than harm OCD or contamination OCD, Yall just had to get so triggered by the troon part and its so embarrassing. She was not asking for transition advice she was just talking about intrusive mental illness, she explicitly stated she knows it's irrational and ruining her mentals. I suffer from OCD as well and i absolutely hate the ignorance around it, no one even gave help or solutions and jumped nona, not even one person stopped to think that even the mental health system in the west will literally push transitioning onto her if she ever decides to get help?! TOCD is one of the only OCDs ive seen where people encourage the intrusive thoughts around it so I know nona is probably going through hell with zero support and usually I don't post but I don't want this type of ignorance to push her away further into her OCD. When you read this, please know that I understand what you mean and know that people here completely missed what you were actually saying. Intrusive thoughts hijack your brain WITH THINGS YOU DON'T WANT!! So nona i want to help and tell you to remember ​you don't have to debate or prove your thoughts are wrong every time they pop up, this makes the loops worse so fighting the "what if" scenarios usually makes the anxiety much more severe, instead practice noticing the thoughts and point out to yourself that it is OCD and letting it sit without giving it an answer. Best thing you can do is focus on physical activities like sports, walking or doing a craft where you build something, creative work or anything you can do that requires movement, I can explain more on this but in short its to be aware of how you move and think at the same time so when the OCD thoughts come again you've had this physical focus to pull you back out of it.

>>15478
Get a grip on yourself. You are making this very personal when it's literally not about you. Your OCD experience does not mirror the same as hers. And considering the enormous amount of pain she is having with those thoughts, she needs professional help not solely just hippie responses like talking walks and doing art projects. Her OCD a piece of the puzzle, the depression is another, and it's not resolved by keeping her mind off things with activity.

>You guys are completely illiterate.
>no one even gave help or solutions
Did you ignore this response or is this too westoid trans agenda for you despite stating to fire the gendie therapists? >>15463

>>15480
Just for you, thank you for saying not to get gendie therapist on >>15463 if its you, but please read again, I still have issue with that reply because it misses the point when you're warning her against transition (she doesn't want that to begin with) she has OCD and making her intrusive thoughts about it a choice so its affirming the harmful thoughts. Your intentions in the right place and I appreciate that but still off base. So sad to see basic OCD management be called "hippie techniques", she'll go see a professional next month so that takes a while then will take more to select a non gendie one as she stated her previous attempts went poorly so until she gets an OCD specialist which might be pricey its better than doing nothing and letting it fester. Also just because my OCD isn't identical to her doesn't mean I don't understand how OCD works and how badly it hurts since the mechanism of it is universal.

Screenshotting this as proof but I was just about to make a confession about Creek kek what luck. Anyways I actually do find them rather cute embarrassingly, when I was younger I only watched the episodes they had a main part in (sorry to the actual SP fans here) and every so often I fall into liking them again.

I am obsessed with Light Yagami. Lurking the Persona thread made me think Akechi looks like he could be Light's cute son and watched the scenes with him and OVA. I feel so shocked and feel like I spoiled my excitement to playing the game and know Akechi on my own. When I played Persona 4 I knew who was the culprit but I never knew Akechi is one too. Curiousity be damned. I didn't expect him to be that unhinged. He is so precious and needs all love. I am reading fics with post canon hurt/comfort with top Akechi because I want him to be on top. I want to spoil him with love and attention but also enrage him, he is so funny. I am not sure if I am able to handle 100+ hours of gameplay for ShuAke alone, Persona 4 Golden was so fun but all that dungeon grinding and half the game it felt like I have nothing to do but wait for certain dates to happen for plot progression… I'll try…

>>15497
Tbh I think Light is a lot more unhinged and interesting personally they didn't really give me the same vibe when I played the game even though I was expecting to love them in the same way. Akechi is written to be sympathetic in a way that Light isn't.

You should play P5 though if you're interested. A lot of people who don't care for the other entries seem to like it. You could be the game in 40 hours if you rushed it and the dungeons aren't procedurally generated anymore.

>>15498
I didn't mean to compare them, I am actually just happy to find similar archetype of self-sabotaging sexy cute guys with biased strong objectives gifted with an overwhelming power in their disposal. Light feels like an infinite horrorcow that keeps giving, his coldest moments are my favorite, his arrogance and entitlement are so cute, his mad/pathetic/scared states make me ravage him, he is so wonderful.
Akechi… I barely know him but I want to protect, spoil and cover him up, earning a headshot. It's worth it. I love boys with principles.
Thanks for an insight, I'm installing it now.

I wish I was physically hurt and being looked after

The only things I care about and live for are my favorite fictional anime murder guys at this point (plus anime and video games) kek.

Other things in real life like making friends, romance and career progression don't interest me.

>>15557
>Other things in real life like making friends, romance and career progression don't interest me.
Same here. I wish I cared because it'd put me in a better position in life, but I just can't bring myself to. Meanwhile I'd crawl through broken glass just to hear ao3 fart through a walkie-talkie.

>>15557
>The only things I care about and live for are my favorite fictional anime murder guys
Same, same.
Career progression is a scam and so is dating. I don't live close to any of my friends from uni anymore.

>>15557
Same thing for me. In my case it's more like manga, vidya, food and BL. It's what motivates me to not become a homeless poor neet our of sheer laziness, I need money for all of that.

I convinced a couple romantasy obsessed coworkers to read a really moidy scifi/fantasy series just so I could talk about it with other girls. Despite being super action heavy and grimdark there's a surprisingly wholesome romance subplot and I figured that would be enough to sell them on it.

Sometimes I think about giving up on everything and just going homeless, reading fics in a library all day. I know itd suck but you know how it is. There was a guy on the run from the police (for pedo charges) and iirc he spent 2 yrs living pretty decently in a little cave, he even had some electricity from a stationary bike. Now imagine not being a fugitive and just trekking out to some place with wi-fi once in a long while, loading up on reading, listening and watching material, and otherwise not bothering with all of this fucking bullshit. Just imagine.

There's a pokemon youtuber called pchal who's been making pretty entertaining videos but in his latest video he prominently displays a trans flag and I decided to just unfollow pre-emptively cause there's a nonzero chance he would one day inflict psychic damage on me with a shitty wig and pretend woman voice. This is probably petty of me but whatever.

>>15580
good call, nonna. there are two youtubers i used to like who turned out to be tims (gamechamp3000, charlieissocoollike) and it's so annoying because i can't even enjoy their old content anymore knowing that they are massive agp porn addicts.

>>15580
He's responsible for Nuzlockes becoming about spamming rare candies, minmaxing and looking up calcs, on top of being obnoxious, you're losing nothing of value.

>>15462
what kind of tranny pooner or tim?

Just wrote 1500 words of dadson smut while procrastinating my studying. I am so screwed.

I don't think I've ever actually read a BL Manga/Manhwa. I've only ever read BLVNs and shipped anime guys from non-yaoi media

I am seriously considering starting a thread for female characters written like gay men. I'm ESL, so I don't have the right wording, but this is something I truly believe happens. I believe that the way some male authors in creating their ideal woman, they often write hypersexual gay men in drag basically, like Samantha from Sex and the City. She was written almost entirely by a gay writing team. Her biological characteristics and attitude are exactly like those of a gay, hypersexual bottom.

>>15666
> Her biological characteristics and attitude are exactly like those of a gay, hypersexual bottom.
So basically any promiscuous woman who gets into messy relationships? Could you give more examples?

>>15670
I have known women who would be considered hypersexual and their dating patterns are driven by a need for emotional validation. the sex is secondary to that, for women reaching orgasm is generally much more difficult. unless they happen to meet a man who knows what he’s doing, which is not the case for most men. Samantha(and a lot of idealized women men write) almost always experiences orgasm from just basic pentation. I would also view Megan Fox’s character from Transformers and any other example of a 'bimbo' fantasy as men in drag basically.